Bill Gates, Microsoft's chairman, had to be escorted out of a press conference earlier today due to medical problems.
Microsoft spokespeople have confirmed that Gates is in good health, and will be returning to work as scheduled this week.
The press conference was a public affair, and there were several eyewitnesses. Said one: "Chairman Gates was speaking, and it appeared that he was having some trouble with his airways. While he was presenting, he froze up and turned a shade of blue."
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Scottish Politician Rises In Support Of Internet
A Scottish politician garnered global notoriety Sunday when he made a few controversial remarks regarding the internet.
Barney MacO'Nealley, chairman of the Scots on the Net committee, reportedly said, in open hearings, "Ever since its inception at the hands of Al Gore, the internet has been something we need to protect. The internet is like... fine haggis. It is not the durable bladder and organs of the horse, cow or chicken, no, but the fragile yet delicious guts of a sheep or goat. If you put too much scrumptious sheep heart, liver, and lungs in the haggis, it will burst. This is not what we must do to the internet."
Barney MacO'Nealley, chairman of the Scots on the Net committee, reportedly said, in open hearings, "Ever since its inception at the hands of Al Gore, the internet has been something we need to protect. The internet is like... fine haggis. It is not the durable bladder and organs of the horse, cow or chicken, no, but the fragile yet delicious guts of a sheep or goat. If you put too much scrumptious sheep heart, liver, and lungs in the haggis, it will burst. This is not what we must do to the internet."
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Microsoft Releases Sequel To Popular Video Game
Earlier today, at a “Games For Windows” conference, Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates announced a new installation in his company’s line of successful video games.
Gates said that the new title, "Minesweeper II," will "knock the user's socks off with dazzling effects and mind-blowing action."
Following in the tradition of the critically-esteemed Halo trilogy, Minesweeper's second installment will be released in conjunction with a "Legendary Edition," which shall include a limited edition Minesweeper's Collectible Mjolnir Helmet, modeled after Master Sweeper, the Minesweeper Smiley Man.
Gates said that the new title, "Minesweeper II," will "knock the user's socks off with dazzling effects and mind-blowing action."
Following in the tradition of the critically-esteemed Halo trilogy, Minesweeper's second installment will be released in conjunction with a "Legendary Edition," which shall include a limited edition Minesweeper's Collectible Mjolnir Helmet, modeled after Master Sweeper, the Minesweeper Smiley Man.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Microsoft Unveils New Hardware Devices
Microsoft quietly unveiled several new pieces of hardware designed to complement their upcoming "Surface" technology.
"We're really stoked about Surface," screamed Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer at a press conference. "We want to bring our customers all the best, so today we are releasing these three new hardware devices."
The three devices are "as reliable as our new Xbox 360 and as rock-solid as Windows itself" said Chairman Bill Gates. "They feature wi-fi networking that works incredibly well, especially when the settings are proper. For instance, for more formal use, you may want many of these," he elaborated, indicating the third product.
The first product, Microsoft Forks and Knives '09, goes on sale immediately. Microsoft NapkinWipe will join Forks and Knives on shelves in a little under two weeks. Microsoft Spoon CE is still in the prototype phase, and may take another six months to get to market. "Our development guys are still working out the concave implementation apparatus," explains Gates.
Microsoft users are reacting in a generally favorable manner. Self-described Microsoft fanboy Steven Zuhn said: "I am really enthused about the spoon, especially. I'm planning on getting a tattoo of the Microsoft Spoon CE on my arm, as soon as I can save up."
Market analyst Roger Herrera says Microsoft's introduction of the three new products was very timely. "Our boys in Redmond probably beat Apple's upcoming iFork, iSpoon, and iKnife by at least eight to ten months."
"We're really stoked about Surface," screamed Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer at a press conference. "We want to bring our customers all the best, so today we are releasing these three new hardware devices."
The three devices are "as reliable as our new Xbox 360 and as rock-solid as Windows itself" said Chairman Bill Gates. "They feature wi-fi networking that works incredibly well, especially when the settings are proper. For instance, for more formal use, you may want many of these," he elaborated, indicating the third product.
The first product, Microsoft Forks and Knives '09, goes on sale immediately. Microsoft NapkinWipe will join Forks and Knives on shelves in a little under two weeks. Microsoft Spoon CE is still in the prototype phase, and may take another six months to get to market. "Our development guys are still working out the concave implementation apparatus," explains Gates.
Microsoft users are reacting in a generally favorable manner. Self-described Microsoft fanboy Steven Zuhn said: "I am really enthused about the spoon, especially. I'm planning on getting a tattoo of the Microsoft Spoon CE on my arm, as soon as I can save up."
Market analyst Roger Herrera says Microsoft's introduction of the three new products was very timely. "Our boys in Redmond probably beat Apple's upcoming iFork, iSpoon, and iKnife by at least eight to ten months."
This Is A Test
This is a test of the Emergency Blogging System. The bloggers of your area in voluntary cooperation with the FCC and other authorities have developed this system to keep you informed in the event of a blogging emergency.
Scientists See A Sad Future For RAM
A team of scientists from around the globe issued a collaborative report dealing with the future of Random Access Memory. The gist of it is that by 2070, RAM designations and denominations will be only comprehensible by our alien overlords.
Dr. Eric von Klopfelter of Germany’s München Labs elaborates: “In the 1970s, memory in early personal computers was known only as RAM. Then came a distinction between SRAM, PRAM, and DRAM. By the 90s, we had SDRAM. Today, DDR RAM is all the rage. You can go to the local computer store, and the shopkeeper there will tell you with a straight face that your computer needs DDR2 SDRAM.”
The report speaks to the fact that as RAM capacity grows linearly, RAM nomenclature expands exponentially.
Conservative predictions indicate that by the latter half of the 21st century, the most common type of RAM is likely to bear the name “DDDDDSR33 PC-3k PSDMS2-SDRDDRDRAM.”
Dr. Eric von Klopfelter of Germany’s München Labs elaborates: “In the 1970s, memory in early personal computers was known only as RAM. Then came a distinction between SRAM, PRAM, and DRAM. By the 90s, we had SDRAM. Today, DDR RAM is all the rage. You can go to the local computer store, and the shopkeeper there will tell you with a straight face that your computer needs DDR2 SDRAM.”
The report speaks to the fact that as RAM capacity grows linearly, RAM nomenclature expands exponentially.
Conservative predictions indicate that by the latter half of the 21st century, the most common type of RAM is likely to bear the name “DDDDDSR33 PC-3k PSDMS2-SDRDDRDRAM.”
Pope Excommunicates Microsoft
On the morning of January 18, 2008, Pope Benedict XVI put forth a papal decree excommunicating Microsoft Corporation.
Reportedly, His Holiness was creating a spreadsheet dealing with the assignments of various Cardinals when an English/Latin typeface conflict caused a Fatal Exception in a remote memory sector. After several minutes of uneven performance, the computer’s windowing system failed, leaving the holy man with a blue screen. According to sources within the Vatican, this is not the first time such errors have stymied the computing endeavors of the Vatican’s elite.
Benedict’s decree condemns Microsoft, its affiliates, and its employees to eternal damnation. Computers running most versions of Windows are to be cast out of the Vatican and burned. Special provisions were made, however. The Pope did allow Windows ME to remain in his presence. He is quoted as saying, “It’s actually pretty good.” Leaks point to other reasons for this dubious provision. Apparently, members of the upper Archdiocese will turn their backs upon Catholicism if they are not able to play Minesweeper with some regularity. Windows machines in the control of the various local church institutions have a lighter sentence than those in the Vatican: Holy Geeks will be dispatched from Rome to traverse the globe with Thumb Drives of Divine Right and install Linux on all Church computers.
The Pope, displaying his characteristic calm, appeared at a press conference this morning in the Holy See. He stated in a prepared comment that he anticipates that a move towards UNIX-like operating systems will bring the Church into a closer relationship with God. He also denounced Microsoft chairman Bill Gates as an infidel who had been in congress with various demons.
Some rioting has resulted from this proclamation, and violence has been reported between small mobs of Catholics and Roman computer retailers.
There is talk among various local congregations of defecting from the church and creating a protestant movement coordinated around a revival of Windows. An independent group of Microsoft sympathizers created a list of clergy who might be interested in such a move, but could not coordinate a breakaway, as they were unable to communicate with each other properly. In a report released Sunday, technical problems were cited as the cause of this failure.
Bill Gates was not reachable for comment, but Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer did release a statement in which he detailed his excitement and relief over Microsoft’s recent excommunication. Ballmer cited concerns shared by Microsoft board members over Microsoft’s market share in the afterlife, and stated: “according to our research, Microsoft will be better able to access a sympathetic demographic in hell than we would have been in heaven.”
Reportedly, His Holiness was creating a spreadsheet dealing with the assignments of various Cardinals when an English/Latin typeface conflict caused a Fatal Exception in a remote memory sector. After several minutes of uneven performance, the computer’s windowing system failed, leaving the holy man with a blue screen. According to sources within the Vatican, this is not the first time such errors have stymied the computing endeavors of the Vatican’s elite.
Benedict’s decree condemns Microsoft, its affiliates, and its employees to eternal damnation. Computers running most versions of Windows are to be cast out of the Vatican and burned. Special provisions were made, however. The Pope did allow Windows ME to remain in his presence. He is quoted as saying, “It’s actually pretty good.” Leaks point to other reasons for this dubious provision. Apparently, members of the upper Archdiocese will turn their backs upon Catholicism if they are not able to play Minesweeper with some regularity. Windows machines in the control of the various local church institutions have a lighter sentence than those in the Vatican: Holy Geeks will be dispatched from Rome to traverse the globe with Thumb Drives of Divine Right and install Linux on all Church computers.
The Pope, displaying his characteristic calm, appeared at a press conference this morning in the Holy See. He stated in a prepared comment that he anticipates that a move towards UNIX-like operating systems will bring the Church into a closer relationship with God. He also denounced Microsoft chairman Bill Gates as an infidel who had been in congress with various demons.
Some rioting has resulted from this proclamation, and violence has been reported between small mobs of Catholics and Roman computer retailers.
There is talk among various local congregations of defecting from the church and creating a protestant movement coordinated around a revival of Windows. An independent group of Microsoft sympathizers created a list of clergy who might be interested in such a move, but could not coordinate a breakaway, as they were unable to communicate with each other properly. In a report released Sunday, technical problems were cited as the cause of this failure.
Bill Gates was not reachable for comment, but Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer did release a statement in which he detailed his excitement and relief over Microsoft’s recent excommunication. Ballmer cited concerns shared by Microsoft board members over Microsoft’s market share in the afterlife, and stated: “according to our research, Microsoft will be better able to access a sympathetic demographic in hell than we would have been in heaven.”
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